A husband doesn't give his wife flowers during 20 years of marriage. Not once. Not when their kids are born, not on anniversaries, not on birthdays, nada, zilch, zero, bupkus. Oh, wait. One time he told his secretary to have flowers sent to his wife when he closed a big deal and wanted to celebrate. ie: Take memo. Send flowers to me via wife.
Okay, maybe I'm hopelessly romantic but I love buying flowers for my girl - or for anyone. Who doesn't? Who would flip it off as ridiculous and say: "Flowers? Oh, c'mon. Grow up already."
Is that like a special kind of sociopath? The non-flower buying type? Is it in the DSM nut categorizing manual? Should be.
Flowers are a crucial part of any successful relationship and an important marital aid. Not only do you get to look like a good guy in the flower store and on the way to giving the flowers to that special person, but when every woman and relatively enlightened guy sees you, as you're marching along with a bunch of colorful flowers in your fist, bright eyed with happy anticipation, they all go: "Awww... what a good guy."
But the non-flower giving guy had his reasons, apparently. He felt flowers were corny and unnecessary. If I was a woman and a guy went two weeks without flowers, forget two effin' decades - I'd be throwing his butt onto the curb with the trash. No flowers, huh? Okay, no nookie. Whaddaya mean that won't work? Why not? Oh, c'mon, grow up, sex is so corny and unnecessary. I've had the kid. What do you need sex for?
Now here's the really weird part. The wife in this spousal partnership, or whatever you'd call a thing where the guy never buys flowers, she felt she couldn't impose on him to be someone he's not - ie: a flower-buying guy. She didn't feel she could force him to not be a self absorbed a-hole who can't think of anyone but himself for a single moment. Oh, well, sure, I get that. Live and let live. "He just doesn't have it in him." Uh, yeah.
No wonder their love life stinks.
And she actually wonders why things have gone flat? Why the magic's worn off and the fire's died, etc etc? Duh. Here's a clue, Dr. Watson. A pathological lack of flowers would undermine the whole shebang and turn it into a she-not-bang. How hot are you gonna get for a guy who's NEVER bought you flowers? Seriously. Imagine the underlying pathology. Some sort of really bizarre enabling kinda unspoken freak show. Yesh.
And how the hell does he get sheepish and apologize for being a jerk without flowers? What the hell? How does that work? When you've messed up and pissed her off, there's a law somewhere on the books that says you MUST go to a good flower store and get her a bunch of nice flowers - not corner store dying carnations, but real flowers. And no, not a big bushel of melodramatic blood red roses.
Don't put some big pressure on. Just drag your ass in there with some nice flowers, you shrug and mutter: "Sorry, baby... I know I been a real jackoff."
And she'll pout and reply: "Yeah, you have."
And then you give her the flowers. And if you haven't screwed up really bad, she'll smile that in spite of herself Okay, I guess you're not a total jerk smile and your ass is hopefully out of the fire. Try pulling that off without flowers. You'll be lucky to sleep in the garage.
Or what happens when at the last minute you're going to someone's house and you grab a bottle of wine and....? Yeah, flowers. Show up with just a bottle and you're a lush. Show up with flowers and wine and it's a bit of class. Your hostess looks at you and thinks, Hm... I guess he isn't a total dirtbag, after all.
And what about all that other stuff - anniversaries, birthdays, other happy occasions? As my mum used to say: "Don't show up with empty hands a'swingin'."
Amazing this is even a topic of any kind. Seems implausible. Of course the worst part is the wife putting up with this creep's no-flowers psychosis and even making excuses for it and claiming to be no worse for wear. Nice try but I did notice she cringed when he touched her.
So remember, guys: When in doubt (or you've really messed up) - you'll never go wrong with flowers.
My personal fave, wild flowers